When I started off this blog I don’t think I completely comprehended what I was about to get myself into. I’ve enjoyed writing it more than I ever thought I could. It has made me look at issues from angles that I never would have thought of before. But above all I have learned that yes as I thought in the beginning men and women are different. But I think more importantly, people are different. Every girl doesn’t fit that stereotype that the society builds them up to be and despite what any book will tell you people deal with situations differently. There is no book that explains the “right way” to go about life and how every single person in the world thinks. No matter how much you read you will never completely understand “opposite sex” as a whole.. mainly because there are parts they don’t even understand themselves. I can’t explain everything about women, there are things that at moments I just don’t get, and that’s ok because if I did understand everything life would be easy, but it would also be boring.
But, by writing this blog I’ve learned there is only two words that seem to matter in a relationship compromise and understanding. If people just take an extra five seconds to think about their actions then that would make life so much easier. However it is much easier said than done. I need to practice that a bit myself. But the key in all of this is to TRY, be for you go off.. go crazy.. blame men/women in general… step back, calm down, and see if it was really worth it.
For now, I myself am going to practice what I preach. I want to thank all of you who have read my blog to any extent. You honestly have opened up my eyes to what was sometimes a different perspective than my own and that was my goal all along. You have given me pointers that I believe I can apply to everyday life and hope I have done the same for you. For now this is goodbye… possibly not forever… but we’ll see.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
I’ve grown up in a huge family. I’ve always been close you my uncles, aunts, cousins, etc. However this situation tends to put me smack dab in the middle of little minions who constantly demand my attention… AKA kids. Because of the huge size of my family there never fails to be at least 2-5 little munchkins running around at family get togethers and for some reason they chose to gravitate towards my sister and myself because we are “younger” (or at least that is what we are told). We believe that it’s because we are the only ones crazy enough to participate in their creative adventures. I’ve grown up believing and witnessing that kids really do say the darnest things, they will listen to you usually if you aren’t their parents, and single handily arguments about children can easily tear a relationship to shreds.
I can’t tell you how many times I have heard an argument break out in my family over children. “I can’t believe you told them they could do this”, “I told you to put them to bed by this time”, “Why are you yelling at them… they aren’t your children!” … It doesn’t matter what the topic may be it always seems that when that battle erupts the gloves come off and it’s all about to hit the fan. I find these to be among some of the worst arguments I have ever witnessed. One if not both of the people in the argument tend to bring up everything that they have ever seen as wrong in the others parenting. As in every argument the goal of making your side become the more reasonable becomes a trail of insults directed straight at the other person. But for some reason these arguments never really seem to end well because as you are attacking the others parenting skills you are also taking a jab at their beliefs in how you should raise a child.
John Gray writes that people in relationships are bound to be strained by the addition of children. Women tend to want to take the much more nurturing approach and give children a good life but allow them to live their own. Whereas men tend to want to solve the problems of their children, believing that they are helping them make their life easier. The women are also expected to be the primary caregiver for the child, a role placed upon them by society. Which is far from true, yes generally women tend to take the lead role in parenting. But these days more stay at home dads are taking care of children while the women are earning a living. Which brings me to the question… What deems someone as the “right” kind of parent? How do you know that your approach is the correct one? And what gives you the right to call someone out saying that their approach is wrong? Like I said I’ve grown up in a family where there have been tons of children along with a million different opinions on how those children should be raised. To this day I have found no right approach… nobody who has it all correct… and in my opinion no one who has the right to call someone out of their parenting skills. So next time, if you ever find yourself in this argument… just watch it… take a step back and think if you really have the right to make that accusation you are about to make… and is worth everything you could stand to lose if you that attack?
For more info on the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray http://home.marsvenus.com/
I can’t tell you how many times I have heard an argument break out in my family over children. “I can’t believe you told them they could do this”, “I told you to put them to bed by this time”, “Why are you yelling at them… they aren’t your children!” … It doesn’t matter what the topic may be it always seems that when that battle erupts the gloves come off and it’s all about to hit the fan. I find these to be among some of the worst arguments I have ever witnessed. One if not both of the people in the argument tend to bring up everything that they have ever seen as wrong in the others parenting. As in every argument the goal of making your side become the more reasonable becomes a trail of insults directed straight at the other person. But for some reason these arguments never really seem to end well because as you are attacking the others parenting skills you are also taking a jab at their beliefs in how you should raise a child.
John Gray writes that people in relationships are bound to be strained by the addition of children. Women tend to want to take the much more nurturing approach and give children a good life but allow them to live their own. Whereas men tend to want to solve the problems of their children, believing that they are helping them make their life easier. The women are also expected to be the primary caregiver for the child, a role placed upon them by society. Which is far from true, yes generally women tend to take the lead role in parenting. But these days more stay at home dads are taking care of children while the women are earning a living. Which brings me to the question… What deems someone as the “right” kind of parent? How do you know that your approach is the correct one? And what gives you the right to call someone out saying that their approach is wrong? Like I said I’ve grown up in a family where there have been tons of children along with a million different opinions on how those children should be raised. To this day I have found no right approach… nobody who has it all correct… and in my opinion no one who has the right to call someone out of their parenting skills. So next time, if you ever find yourself in this argument… just watch it… take a step back and think if you really have the right to make that accusation you are about to make… and is worth everything you could stand to lose if you that attack?
For more info on the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray http://home.marsvenus.com/
Sunday, November 1, 2009
SPACE…. The Final Frontier
Living in a college setting I have learned very quickly that one aspect that all relationships need is space. There comes a point that spending too much time with one person will drive someone crazy. In every relationship one person always seems to need more space than the other and that is when the problem originally starts. I am that person and personally the fact that I like my space has nothing to do with the person I am with… its simply my personality. No matter who it is there comes a point that I spend to much time with them and I begin to be annoyed… if not by the little things then it is just them in general. But when given a couple days, those hateful thoughts that were at once in my head… disappear as if they were never there in the first place. However the stereotypical girl tends to fall victim to the other side of the argument. She personally finds it hard to give her boyfriend space, mainly because she enjoys his company so much that she feels the need to be around him as much as possible. So.. countless times they end up getting arguments about how he would like more space and she never gives it to him… ITS NEVERENDING… because they are two different personalities who want two different things.
As written in Men are From Mars Women are from Venus, John Gray explains that women tend to be the ones who are more needy and want to spend the maximum amount of time with that special someone, where as men enjoy a certain amount of time but there comes a point when it is too much and at that point they tend to push people away.
So how do you find that compromise in terms of space? Gray writes that first there has to be understanding on both ends, being able to understand how the other person in the relationship feels is very important. For example, me being the person who enjoys my space… I would have to understand that my partner wants to spend as much time possible because he enjoys it, which is kinda flattering when you think about it. But.. on the other hand he would have to understand that spending too much time with me makes me feel smothered at times which is why I need my space. By understanding each others point of views it can be easier to make a compromise in a relationship. He writes “There is a happy medium that can be reached in the majority of cases. It is just finding it that can sometimes be the challenge.”
For more info on the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" http://home.marsvenus.com/
As written in Men are From Mars Women are from Venus, John Gray explains that women tend to be the ones who are more needy and want to spend the maximum amount of time with that special someone, where as men enjoy a certain amount of time but there comes a point when it is too much and at that point they tend to push people away.
So how do you find that compromise in terms of space? Gray writes that first there has to be understanding on both ends, being able to understand how the other person in the relationship feels is very important. For example, me being the person who enjoys my space… I would have to understand that my partner wants to spend as much time possible because he enjoys it, which is kinda flattering when you think about it. But.. on the other hand he would have to understand that spending too much time with me makes me feel smothered at times which is why I need my space. By understanding each others point of views it can be easier to make a compromise in a relationship. He writes “There is a happy medium that can be reached in the majority of cases. It is just finding it that can sometimes be the challenge.”
For more info on the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" http://home.marsvenus.com/
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Valentines Day
In almost every relationship I have encountered or been in myself Valentines Day has been such a big deal. It is the one day out of the entire year that is dedicated to everyone who has even a glimmer of a relationship doing something “romantic” simply because it is February 14th. Whether it being going to dinner and a movie, a romantic proposal on the beach, or even just that surprise of twelve long stem roses… it’s the day when you expect to get or do something. In theory, yes it’s great, because it is that day that is supposes to remind lovers why they fell in love in the first place.
Regardless, February 14th is a date which I detest, myself. Which as a girl, in today’s society… I am set away from the norm. I’ve heard many times that due to my opinion I am heartless and unromantic… when really I see otherwise.
Personally I think that Valentines Day lacks the “romantic“aspect that people seem to claim that it has. What is romantic about someone doing something on a day when they are “expected” to do it? In my opinion it would be much more romantic for that same bouquet of long stem roses to be delivered on a different day, a random day… when it is totally unexpected… that’s romantic. Most women… would disagree.
In the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” John Gray introduces that all set occasions tend to matter more to women. This includes occasions like Christmas, Thanksgiving, Anniversaries, Birthdays, and you guessed it... Valentines Day. Men seem to react equally regardless of the day, in other words you would be more likely to find a man thinking Valentines Day is “just another day” and to find a woman complaining about how crappy her Valentines Day was simply because it meant more to her.
I guess in this case I defy the “stereotype”… go me.
But, why is it that stereotypical women tend to value these holidays so much? John Geary writes that it is because of the fact that women’s feelings are closely tied to emotions and on special occasions emotions tend to run on high for most people. So on Valentines Day when something is done for a woman the actions seems ten times better because it is a “day made for love.”
In my opinion… I think that the idea of “romance” is so skewed in today’s society. There is no one set meaning so trying to obtain the actual concept becomes a challenge. Maybe to someone staying at home with that “special someone” and watching TV is what they call romantic… so why should they feel forced to do something out of the ordinary on this one day simply because society says that they should?
For more info on the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" http://home.marsvenus.com/
Regardless, February 14th is a date which I detest, myself. Which as a girl, in today’s society… I am set away from the norm. I’ve heard many times that due to my opinion I am heartless and unromantic… when really I see otherwise.
Personally I think that Valentines Day lacks the “romantic“aspect that people seem to claim that it has. What is romantic about someone doing something on a day when they are “expected” to do it? In my opinion it would be much more romantic for that same bouquet of long stem roses to be delivered on a different day, a random day… when it is totally unexpected… that’s romantic. Most women… would disagree.
In the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” John Gray introduces that all set occasions tend to matter more to women. This includes occasions like Christmas, Thanksgiving, Anniversaries, Birthdays, and you guessed it... Valentines Day. Men seem to react equally regardless of the day, in other words you would be more likely to find a man thinking Valentines Day is “just another day” and to find a woman complaining about how crappy her Valentines Day was simply because it meant more to her.
I guess in this case I defy the “stereotype”… go me.
But, why is it that stereotypical women tend to value these holidays so much? John Geary writes that it is because of the fact that women’s feelings are closely tied to emotions and on special occasions emotions tend to run on high for most people. So on Valentines Day when something is done for a woman the actions seems ten times better because it is a “day made for love.”
In my opinion… I think that the idea of “romance” is so skewed in today’s society. There is no one set meaning so trying to obtain the actual concept becomes a challenge. Maybe to someone staying at home with that “special someone” and watching TV is what they call romantic… so why should they feel forced to do something out of the ordinary on this one day simply because society says that they should?
For more info on the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" http://home.marsvenus.com/
Sunday, October 18, 2009
It's an Adventure
It almost never fails in relationships today, there comes a point when you just have too much of each other. The honeymoon period wears off and it takes every bone in your body not to throw a rock at the other persons head. Most of who are normal can’t see this coming… we like to think optimistically and believe that it is all going to be smiles and roses for the rest of our lives… But NEWS FLASH... We are so wrong.
It seems like relationships these days are like long term contracts... that we sign thinking that they are such a great deal and can’t imagine it any other way. Then wake up one day a month or two down the road and realize that somewhere in the fine print it said that this is going to take more work then you originally thought. It is at that point that you try to find as many loopholes as you possibly can in order to prevent your workload from increasing. Therein is where we get frustrated.
In the “Why Mars and Venus Collide” John Gray writes about what he calls “The 90/10 solution.” Which states that an individual should look to themselves for fulfillment emotionally and in medial everyday tasks, 90 percent of the time. While expecting their mate to provide them with the other ten percent. He states that when a woman is almost emotionally “full” or nearly happy a man is more motivated to “top her off”. He also states that by this approach there is less of a chance in being disappointed in your mate.
I could not disagree more.
Personally I believe that when you begin to put a “number” on the amount of effort a person should put into a relationship is when it becomes more like a job than an adventure. What mean by that… in an adventure you learn to expect the unexpected. You compensate for whatever the weakness of your partner may be and together you make it through, combating the challenges to the best of your ability. It’s not expected that you do fifty, seventy, or ninety percent of the work, all that is expected in the fact that you give it all you have.
Logically speaking if we were to say that everyday an ideal relationship is on a 50/50 scale… we would be lying. There will be moments in all relationships where one person has to be stronger in order for the other to simply maintain sanity and that is where we find our balance. It’s being able to hold it together when one side is falling apart.
What am trying to say is people may have signed up for this adventure not realizing what is completely in store… but they signed up knowing who they would be “traveling with.” Yes… you may end up doing more than you signed up for at times… but in the end it’s worth it.
That's a part of love (or when you really know you are in love), when, even thought they do something that makes you want to throw a brick at their face, you still want to see them the next day.- Insignificant Wrangler
For more information on the book "Why Mars and Venus Collide"- http://www.marsvenus.com/collide/collide.php
It seems like relationships these days are like long term contracts... that we sign thinking that they are such a great deal and can’t imagine it any other way. Then wake up one day a month or two down the road and realize that somewhere in the fine print it said that this is going to take more work then you originally thought. It is at that point that you try to find as many loopholes as you possibly can in order to prevent your workload from increasing. Therein is where we get frustrated.
In the “Why Mars and Venus Collide” John Gray writes about what he calls “The 90/10 solution.” Which states that an individual should look to themselves for fulfillment emotionally and in medial everyday tasks, 90 percent of the time. While expecting their mate to provide them with the other ten percent. He states that when a woman is almost emotionally “full” or nearly happy a man is more motivated to “top her off”. He also states that by this approach there is less of a chance in being disappointed in your mate.
I could not disagree more.
Personally I believe that when you begin to put a “number” on the amount of effort a person should put into a relationship is when it becomes more like a job than an adventure. What mean by that… in an adventure you learn to expect the unexpected. You compensate for whatever the weakness of your partner may be and together you make it through, combating the challenges to the best of your ability. It’s not expected that you do fifty, seventy, or ninety percent of the work, all that is expected in the fact that you give it all you have.
Logically speaking if we were to say that everyday an ideal relationship is on a 50/50 scale… we would be lying. There will be moments in all relationships where one person has to be stronger in order for the other to simply maintain sanity and that is where we find our balance. It’s being able to hold it together when one side is falling apart.
What am trying to say is people may have signed up for this adventure not realizing what is completely in store… but they signed up knowing who they would be “traveling with.” Yes… you may end up doing more than you signed up for at times… but in the end it’s worth it.
That's a part of love (or when you really know you are in love), when, even thought they do something that makes you want to throw a brick at their face, you still want to see them the next day.- Insignificant Wrangler
For more information on the book "Why Mars and Venus Collide"- http://www.marsvenus.com/collide/collide.php
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Gender stereotypes... I just don't get it
So he’s a “man’s man” or she’s “the girl next door.” It never seemed to faze me before, but recently it came to my attention the pressure put on gender roles in today’s society. It seems that there will always be that stereotypical male and female persona that we will never be able to erase whether we want to or not. There will always be the idea of the stereotypical woman, who likes pink, shopping, dresses and makeup. Who does not like to get dirty, has an amazing body, and usually is incredible with children. She adores the male species and is a caring, nurturing person. However, most girls… are not that girl. Whether it is just one aspect that sets them apart, or one million the majority of women do not fall under the “Barbie doll” stereotype created years ago. Likewise, the male stereotype is not much better; the stereotypical male cares very little about feelings or children. He knows how to fix anything mechanical and can at least point you in the right direction when you are lost. He never believes that he is wrong even in the cases when it is as plain as day. He’s tall, dark and handsome and very muscular. He takes any amount of pain, without even shedding a tear. And just like women, few men actually seem to fulfill every standard of the “man’s man.”
In the article http://www.psychocats.net/ubuntucat/fighting-gender-role-boundaries/ Ubuntucat argues that we should learn how to fight these stereotypes. She says:
“While there is a difference between sexism and the reaffirmation of gender roles, the two are certainly linked. I realize, as most feminists have to concede, that there are inherent differences in trends between males and females. The question, though, is whether we should exacerbate and exaggerate such differences or just allow the “natural” ones and allow people to be who they are. In other words, if the majority of men (let’s say 80% or so) fit into a male stereotype (overly preoccupied with sex, weight-lifting, making money, using their “masculine” voices, etc.) and the minority of men do not fit into that stereotype (say 20%), why should we force that 20% minority to adopt the majority behavior?”
I agree with the fact that society should not force the “20%” to conform to the other standards. However I often question if it is possible to break the boundaries of stereotypes. If the majority of society delegates the stereotypes and at the same time falls under parts of the stereotypes, would it be possible to rule against them?
In the article http://www.psychocats.net/ubuntucat/fighting-gender-role-boundaries/ Ubuntucat argues that we should learn how to fight these stereotypes. She says:
“While there is a difference between sexism and the reaffirmation of gender roles, the two are certainly linked. I realize, as most feminists have to concede, that there are inherent differences in trends between males and females. The question, though, is whether we should exacerbate and exaggerate such differences or just allow the “natural” ones and allow people to be who they are. In other words, if the majority of men (let’s say 80% or so) fit into a male stereotype (overly preoccupied with sex, weight-lifting, making money, using their “masculine” voices, etc.) and the minority of men do not fit into that stereotype (say 20%), why should we force that 20% minority to adopt the majority behavior?”
I agree with the fact that society should not force the “20%” to conform to the other standards. However I often question if it is possible to break the boundaries of stereotypes. If the majority of society delegates the stereotypes and at the same time falls under parts of the stereotypes, would it be possible to rule against them?
Sunday, October 4, 2009
L-O-V-E
L-O-V-E. In today’s culture it seems like those four letters when placed together can carry quite a bit of weight. Within one word somebody seems to profess a profound feeling that is unlike any other and the words “I love you” become a force to be reckoned with. However, I can not bring myself to believe that those words are really considered that big of a deal in today’s society. On the surface, yes they should have a lot of meaning, however I question that in most cases… do they?
This weekend, I hung out with a friend of mine who has been dating a guy for a few weeks and is “madly in love” with him. I know what you’re thinking… typical college relationship, and yes, for her that holds true. Like most couples, every time she leaves, ends a phone conversation, or even feels happy she says “I love you”. Even though I believe that she does indeed care a lot about the guy, I can not bring myself to comprehend her meaning it that many times in day. To me, when you say something that many times it quickly loses importance. Instead of actually having a heart felt meaning, it becomes more of a habit. If you were to tell somebody “ I hate you” multiple times a day, do you think that it would mean as much when you actually get pissed off at them and do have hateful feelings towards them? Probably not, mainly because that person would be so used to the words I hate you coming out of your mouth.
I can not tell you how many times I have heard a couple arguing and arguing, During the conversation I hear them say some pretty harsh things. But at a certain point one of them has to leave or hang up the phone. Which is when the oddest thing of all happens… they say “I love you”. How Is this possible? I mean, I know that if you honestly love someone you love them no matter what. But how can you go from cursing someone’s name and wanting just to call everything off to saying “I love you” at the end of it all.
In my opinion, due to over usage, the words “I love you” have lost its meaning and the usual reasoning behind it has lost importance.
In the book, Why Mars and Venus Collide John Gray argues that words in general mean more to women then they do to men. He explains that women really do put a lot of feeling into words they say, whereas men usually speak more on impulse. Although I am sure this is not true with all men, I can definitely find it relevant in today’s society. For example, a good friend of mine said “I love you” to her boyfriend for the first time a few weeks ago, and much to her dismay he didn’t say it back. However the two of them got into a major argument about it and eventually he gave in and said that he “loved her too.” But it occurred to me, that maybe he really didn’t feel that deeply a bout her yet, and said those three words just to appease her. Which I personally think is wrong, but in a way is what society has trained people to do.
Naturally, when someone says “I love you” the noble thing would be to say it back. However, if saying it back means lying.. should you really mention it at all? In my opinion, no. It is by doing this that we as a society have made the words “I love you” so nonchalant and to all those who take a stand against it, I applaud you.
My grandmother always tells me that years ago, saying “the L word” was a big thing. During the whole courting process men and women would say things like “You fascinate me” or “ You astound me” but to say “I love you” was a major move that was considered almost as serious as marriage and through time it has become more and more expected.
Regardless, my point is these days in our society the words “I love you” have lost their meaning, and lack the importance that they once used to have. Those three words are supposed to be the words you say when your feelings are so endearing that they almost can not be expressed in words. So before you go and blurt out “I love you” to whomever it may be next time… Stop. Take a second and realize what you are saying and the meaning behind it and when you say it, all I ask, is that you mean it.
The most important things are the hardest to say, because words diminish them. ~Stephen King
For more info about the book Why Mars and Venus Collide by John Gray -http://www.marsvenus.com/collide/collide.php
This weekend, I hung out with a friend of mine who has been dating a guy for a few weeks and is “madly in love” with him. I know what you’re thinking… typical college relationship, and yes, for her that holds true. Like most couples, every time she leaves, ends a phone conversation, or even feels happy she says “I love you”. Even though I believe that she does indeed care a lot about the guy, I can not bring myself to comprehend her meaning it that many times in day. To me, when you say something that many times it quickly loses importance. Instead of actually having a heart felt meaning, it becomes more of a habit. If you were to tell somebody “ I hate you” multiple times a day, do you think that it would mean as much when you actually get pissed off at them and do have hateful feelings towards them? Probably not, mainly because that person would be so used to the words I hate you coming out of your mouth.
I can not tell you how many times I have heard a couple arguing and arguing, During the conversation I hear them say some pretty harsh things. But at a certain point one of them has to leave or hang up the phone. Which is when the oddest thing of all happens… they say “I love you”. How Is this possible? I mean, I know that if you honestly love someone you love them no matter what. But how can you go from cursing someone’s name and wanting just to call everything off to saying “I love you” at the end of it all.
In my opinion, due to over usage, the words “I love you” have lost its meaning and the usual reasoning behind it has lost importance.
In the book, Why Mars and Venus Collide John Gray argues that words in general mean more to women then they do to men. He explains that women really do put a lot of feeling into words they say, whereas men usually speak more on impulse. Although I am sure this is not true with all men, I can definitely find it relevant in today’s society. For example, a good friend of mine said “I love you” to her boyfriend for the first time a few weeks ago, and much to her dismay he didn’t say it back. However the two of them got into a major argument about it and eventually he gave in and said that he “loved her too.” But it occurred to me, that maybe he really didn’t feel that deeply a bout her yet, and said those three words just to appease her. Which I personally think is wrong, but in a way is what society has trained people to do.
Naturally, when someone says “I love you” the noble thing would be to say it back. However, if saying it back means lying.. should you really mention it at all? In my opinion, no. It is by doing this that we as a society have made the words “I love you” so nonchalant and to all those who take a stand against it, I applaud you.
My grandmother always tells me that years ago, saying “the L word” was a big thing. During the whole courting process men and women would say things like “You fascinate me” or “ You astound me” but to say “I love you” was a major move that was considered almost as serious as marriage and through time it has become more and more expected.
Regardless, my point is these days in our society the words “I love you” have lost their meaning, and lack the importance that they once used to have. Those three words are supposed to be the words you say when your feelings are so endearing that they almost can not be expressed in words. So before you go and blurt out “I love you” to whomever it may be next time… Stop. Take a second and realize what you are saying and the meaning behind it and when you say it, all I ask, is that you mean it.
The most important things are the hardest to say, because words diminish them. ~Stephen King
For more info about the book Why Mars and Venus Collide by John Gray -http://www.marsvenus.com/collide/collide.php
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)